Perfect Mercy

You were just a baby what did you know? Nothing, so everything you did was fair game. For where there is no guilt there can be no sin. You had your needs met. You had enough to eat. Someone took care of your potty favors for you. You slept when you were tired and woke when you were not. You didn’t do anything wrong. You were even cute. All of you were that sometimes.

But your parents began to see problems with the way you were behaving. You had become selfish. Everything you had was yours and yours it was and no one else’ to be sure. When other toddlers were around, what was yours was yours sure enough but what was theirs was also yours too at first once in a while, then more and more until it was every single time. And it was the same with the other toddlers as it was with you. You were evil little brats is what you were but you didn’t know any better so life went on one squabble after another when the other toddlers were around.

But it was peaceful enough when they weren’t. You explored a lot and got into trouble a lot but it was just unpleasant or pleasant at first; no right and no wrong just pleasant when nobody cared or when they thought you were being cute and they couldn’t help but show it. You loved life and God loved you and others at least seemed to love you and take care of you. But you learned. And somewhere you don’t remember when you learned there was a right and a wrong, and for the wrong there were unpleasant consequences and for the right there were either no consequences and just a pleasing result or even more pleasantness was added.

Life was still good for the most part, wasn’t it? Those were the best years of your life. You took everything for granted and never gave anything that had happened or would happen a single thought.

God was with you in real time then so long as the dead around you didn’t resist him too much. Don’t get me wrong I know bad things happen to little kids and the dead do hellish things to them sometimes, but for the most part you weren’t one of them and your body wasn’t too much of a casualty and they didn’t do enough to you to scar you for life. You weren’t like some kids and had to go live with strangers, some more than others or even have to be taken to the doctor or to the hospital for injuries or neglect.

But the older you got the more you interacted with the older dead ones and the more miserable you got little by little. So you had to decide one day to either back off when they were around; or you didn’t.

If you didn’t you grew up a lot faster than a kid should. You were introduced to a lot stuff you were too young to get acquainted with and your life spun out of control; first out of your control then your siblings’ and finally even your parents couldn’t control you and there you stayed for the rest of your miserable life but you sure felt like you were the best one of all, didn’t you?

You found yourself doing whatever was at hand to do and in way over your head and it seemed normal to you for it seemed it had always been that way. By the time you hit your teens you were a creature controlled by its appetites and the availability of whatever it was that would satisfy those appetites and what you were willing to do to get those appetites met as often and to whatever extreme degree you could wherever and whenever possible given your ability to make it happen.

Instead of living in real time you were living in the present manipulating the future to meet the needs you had according to the appetites you had. And those appetites were minor compared to your need, your drive, your necessity of having a good time which actually meant finding excitement wherever and whenever, doing whatever with whomever it took for life to be as exciting as you could manage. You began thinking about how much excitement you could find doing newer and even more dangerous things with shadier and shadier company or even by yourself. Your life was exciting and you were having the time of your life.

Actually life couldn’t have been worse for you but you just didn’t know that yet.

You were dead and when the excitement finally got old for various reasons, people didn’t trust you at all anymore, people were tired of you always looking for excitement, people began to leave you out, you began to find what you had been doing less and less exciting too and that it got you in more and more trouble, trouble with your friends, trouble in your relationships, trouble with people in general, then trouble with authority figures and finally with the police, judges and even in the institutions like jails but even with the other inmates.

Instead of saying, “I’ll try anything once,” and “It don’t get any better than this,” you began to say, “Them were good days,” and then, “If only I had known how much trouble I was headed for,” or nothing at all as you nursed a drink in some bar alone thinking you had finally learned your lesson and had sense enough to stay out of things and just enjoy getting drunk or high or in over your head in a way that only effected your life and no one else’ life, and you began saying things like, “It’s my life. Leave me alone!” in insistent anger.

Then one day you realized your life was a total wreck and you were the principle cause of it all, not all the people you had always blamed for that before, but by then you were getting a little too old to enjoy doing hardly any of the things you used to find so exciting and chasing excitement got old to you also. If you were addicted to anything you tried and tried to shake it on your own. If you made it. You tried to put some sanity in the rest of your life. If you didn’t make it you had to seek out help for it and you are still trying to shake it but it’s manageable; or it’s not.

If it isn’t you’re finally homeless and can’t be anything else for various legal reasons, all of them involving paying for what you did or are still doing and you’re high as often as you can be which is nowhere near often enough to suit you and you aren’t just high anymore you’re completely out of it, so out of it you’re alone and miserable to more miserable only to become more and even more miserable than that and when you can’t feed your habit you’re more miserable than you can stand. So you keep going back to it because you can’t help yourself. It’s the only thing that helps to the tiniest extent. You’re still miserable but no more miserable than you can stand it.

One day you got scared. You’d tried everything and yet you’re more miserable than you ever were and that was way beyond as miserable as you could imagine it getting. You want to give it up but you know you can’t even with human help and you don’t believe in God and think you never even knew him when you were a baby, or by now you either realize he’s someone else’ God or your god isn’t him, but you’re pride would never let you switch after all this time.

Then one night you wake up in a cold sweat and you realize you’ve been feeling different than you ever have felt before for quite a while and it isn’t changing. You begin to think more and more about how miserable you are and how far you’ve fallen and it hurts so deep it feels like it must be to the essence of your being, your heart or the core.

But sooner than expected it doesn’t hurt as much anymore. Then you finally begin to realize you’re dead for you really can’t even really feel misery anymore, that you are going to die whether you get in deeper or even if you really did quit. It doesn’t matter either way. It’s not like a premonition or a prophecy. It’s a fact. There is nothing you can do given who and what you are to help it. You are dying and in a sense you are already dead just waiting for your body to finish shutting down and not do anything even to just let your heart beat one more last time.

What can you do? Can you cry out to God? What god? Your god? He was no help in the end now was he? You know that without saying it or even taking a moment to verbalize it in your mind just to verify to yourself you ever thought it. Their God then? ‘There must be one God that is really God and could fix it,’ you once might have thought but now you know all that God, should there be such a God, would do is just help you wait until the end and after all you’ve done and all that has happened to you and what life means to you now it occurs to you that you really don’t want to live anymore and would refuse that help too.

You could kill yourself, but why? The struggling is all over. You’re at peace with death. You’re at peace with even going to hell as used to worry you a little and sometimes more; but most times less and less each time.

Life,” you say, “Was what it was and I was what I was coming to, in the end all along and even I’ve known it for so long I can’t remember when I didn’t know it. I just could never allow myself to think it. And then when I thought it, I could never allow myself to say. ‘Now I am really speaking the truth, by God!’” and you shake your fist at the sky wondering whether there really is a God even then or whether you’ve just finally went crazy for he seems very very real to you now, doesn’t he?

Some time later, much later in some people’s cases they get sick, I mean really sick and their body starts doing things they know can’t be anything but the end of its doing anything and the end is soon in coming. ‘This is it,’ you think, then you say it aloud and there’s someone there you care absolutely nothing for either way anyway or there is not but you say, “Well, that’s over with anyway,” not caring one way or the other what they think because you weren’t saying it to them if there even was anybody there. Then you wonder if you were you saying it to yourself or whether you are saying what someone else would have said to you if they knew what was going on with you. And you conceive of the idea that you are not inside looking out anymore, but outside looking in at exactly what everyone thinks you are and thinking it right along with them. Then you realize that’s the way it has always been, everybody else knew you and this is the first time you’ve seen yourself as you ever really were known to be by anyone other than yourself whom it turned out was wrong about you that entire time. This is the first time in your life you agreed with them and it didn’t matter whether it was what someone else would say to you or whether you were saying it to yourself as usual.

It was true. It was real. And nobody with any power to do anything about it would do anything about it because it would demand something of them even you wouldn’t do for yourself or allow anyone to do no matter if they could or would do anything about it anyway or even fight them as they tired to do it if they started to.

Again sometime later after your body continued to do that it had never done before many times you were so weak and cared so little about life you went to sleep in a ditch or somewhere and you died. But actually you had been dead a long, long, time before you realized it. And you went to hell and put up with your punishment as best your could and waited knowing what everybody there knows, the same thing that Satan knows; everybody there is just waiting no matter what happens to distract them and then it’s just that last moment after they are found guilty and mercifully thrown into the lake of fire and sulfur, the most merciful thing that could have ever happened to you after your prolonged agonizing death, that is where you’ll be forever and ever. Your destiny after you died didn’t depend on what you did that was ever right after all which you couldn’t have done anyway but whatever you did that was wrong to begin with when had you been created anew it would have been the exact opposite.

Then in the end of that God and everybody that lived through it forget you ever were to begin with and you are too distracted by your extreme burning pain to remember yourself anymore either. Anything less would have been unbearable forever more so than that and anything more would never have lasted forever and you would have started up doing the wrong thing all over again. It is the perfect solution for the dead whether they ever realize it or not. And life goes on just as it was meant to be in the first place just like God has always lived it, now lives it and will continue to live with the living doing the same as he does without you forever and ever.

One of the best things we or God will ever do is to forget you and all of those there with you in torment and never remember you again. It’s worse than hell but its the best its ever been for you since you first died a very long time ago in the way you would remember it if you could yet remember it which you never will be able to forever and ever.

There was no other way.


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